I loved it. Just so you know.

I have finished it.

I have to admit to being nervous about reading it. I want it to be good. I want
Caroline to succeed. I have encouraged her. I want it all to be good for her. I really really really don't want it to go wrong.

But what if I don't like it? What if it is too dark, too bleak? What if Jude's story is just too depressing to be told?

I didn't need to worry.*

In Search of Adam is a beautiful novel. Yes, it's dark. But Jude's voice, her words, are uplifting, despite everything. Her character is so roundly drawn, she just walks off the page. I can smell her. I want to wash her, smooth her butchered hair, iron her clothes. I want to hold her and protect her. Stop her from being damaged. Neglected.

There is so much I love about this novel. I love the way the adult tittle-tattle, yackety-yack is woven into Jude's words. But she never understands. Even though we do. The way Jude compulsively stores and collect data and numbers in her books, deriving comfort out of something which is solid and unshifting. And safe. How when the neighbours get a new car she has to buy a new green notebook, just the same as the old one. Because the old one is now wrong and damaged.

It is just perfection.

I love the echoes and repetition throughout, which have the effect of being both fragmentary and cohesive. They help to create the childlike character that needs to repeat and chant and feel secure in her facts. Whilst simultaneously underlining the basic instability and incomprehension which lies at the centre of her world.

And the fonts. They are genius. They change the pace, alter the rhythm, add layers to the story. Give voice to the other characters. The shadow-font is just spine-tingling.

The plot itself is beautifully developed. The way Adam is almost discarded after his initial introduction and only subtly reintroduced. I found myself gagging to know what had happened to him. Where was he? Who was he? How did Adam fit in? But, appropriately, Jude doesn't question. Doesn't ask the questions you as a reader are dying to know the answers to. I shouted at her.

But she still didn't ask.

I felt very bad.

Above all it is the subtle shifts, the gaining of understanding about each of the characters, which will stay with me. The fact that the good people and the bad people coalesce into layers of victims (not the word I want - casualties maybe?). That black and white become different shades of grey. That the surface which is always judged is rarely the mirror into the soul.

It is a frightening world. But it is a totally recognisable one. It is the world we all inhabit and experience - in varying shades of grey, of course.

Everyone should read this book. Everyone. It's brave, bold, original, sensitive and creative. And it's a damn good story, well told.

My only worry now (and it's a truly serious scary worry) is that anything I say about In Search of Adam can't possibly begin to do it justice,

Caroline, I loved your novel. Really, couldn't-put-it-down loved it. An hour after I finished I am still crying. Crying for Jude a bit still. But more, I am crying out of happiness for you.

Sod the book launch - can I come to the award ceremonies with you please?

Oh. And just a small point. Next time you write about serious shit. Can you please not use my name for the main character?



*The bold typeface is my attempt to try and make sure Caroline focuses on this bit and not on my previous and completely unfounded worries.